What is black
and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.
Why did God
give men larger brains than dogs?
So they won't hump women's legs at
cocktail parties.
What do you get
when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of
carrying
the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he
arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole
family
there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way
with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a
box
of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of
terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful
woman
in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through
the
door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the
bedroom
where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant
breakfast:
eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed
orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As
she was
pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's
bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but
what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that
today would be your last day,
and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give
you. He
said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."
How come nobody
from Mexico is ever in the Olympics?
Because everybody that can Run, Jump, and Swim is already over here.
One day a little girl was sitting
and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed
that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on
her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
A man answers the phone and has the
following conversation:
“Yes, mother, I’ve had a hard day. Gladys has been most
difficult – I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard.
Well, you know how she is.
“Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that
she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and
you begged me not to marry her.
“You were perfectly right.
“You want to speak with her? All right.” He looks up from the
telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:
“Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!”
“Yes, mother, I’ve had a hard day. Gladys has been most
difficult – I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard.
Well, you know how she is.
“Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that
she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and
you begged me not to marry her.
“You were perfectly right.
“You want to speak with her? All right.” He looks up from the
telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:
“Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!”