A man
walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and
one for my best buddy."
Bartender
says, "You want them *both* now or do you want me to wait until your buddy
arrives to pour his?"
The guy
says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket
here." and he pulls a little 3 inch man out of his pocket.
The
bartender asks "You mean to say, He can drink that much?" "Oh,
sure. He can drink it all, and then some." the man retorted.
So the
bartender pours the 2 shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's
amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"
The man
flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Rodney, Go
fetch that quarter." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks
up the quarter, and runs back down and gives it to the man.
The
bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing," he says, "what
else can he do? Does he talk?"
The man
looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks
"Talk? Sure *he* talks.
Hey,
Rodney, tell him about that time we were in down in Africa, on safari, hunting
and you called that native Witch doctor a "Dickhead!"
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2)
A Guy
walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender. Just as the bartender is about
to ask the customer for his order he hears a phone ring. The customer puts his
hand up to his ear and says, "Hello? No honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes,
love you, bye."
The
bartender says, "What the heck is that?"
The
customer replies "It's my hand phone…..give me your home number so you can
try it."
With
that, the bartender gives him his home number and the customer punches the
numbers in on his hand and puts his hand up to the bartender's ear. The
bartender's wife answers and he (who is very amazed) says, "I...honey...
just thought I'd call you and tell you I love you....ok...bye."
The
bartender says, "That's amazing! How do you get one?"
"I'll
tell you when I get back from the restroom."
30
minutes later there is no sign of the customer and the bartender is getting
concerned so he walks to the restroom to make sure the guy is ok. When he
enters he finds the guy with his pants around his ankles, bent over with his
palms on the wall and a long piece of toilet paper hanging out of his butt.
"What
the hell are you doing?" asks the incredulous bartender.
"Give
me a second," the man replies as he grunts and groans, "I'm getting a
fax."
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3)
A man goes
into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do
everything.
The
shop owner suggests a faithful dog.
The man
replies, "Come on, a dog?"
The
owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man
replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that
can do everything!"
The
shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A
centipede!"
The man
says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay...
I'll try a centipede."
He gets
the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."
Thirty
minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes
and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned;
the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.
He says
to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."
Twenty
minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the
furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered.
The man
thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This
really is a pet that can do everything!"
Next he
says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a
newspaper."
The
centipede walks out the door. 45 minutes later... still no centipede!
So he
goes to the front door, opens it ... and there's the centipede sitting right
outside.
The man
says, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me
a newspaper. What's the matter?!"
The
centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes!"
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4)
The Zen
master steps up to the hot dog stand and says: "Make me one with
everything."
The hot
dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20
bill. The hot dog vendor puts the bill in the cash drawer and closes the
drawer.
"Where's
my change?" asks the Zen master.
And the
hot dog vendor responds, "Change must come from within."
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5)
As
migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip
south, so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked their baggage, the
attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons.
"Do
you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.
"No,
thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."
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6)
There
once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane,
he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person
next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he
finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar,
he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed,
"Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is
big in Texas."
After a
couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was
located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind
man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally missed the second door. Instead,
he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the
pool by accident.
Scared
to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
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7)
Sherlock
Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip.
They
had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said,
"Watson, look up. What do you see?
"Well,
I see thousands of stars."
And
what does that mean to you?"
"Well,
I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you,
Holmes?"
"To
me, it means someone has stolen our tent."
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8)
What is
a cat?
Cats do
what they want.
They
rarely listen to you.
They're
totally unpredictable.
They
whine when they are not happy.
When
you want to play, they want to be alone.
When
you want to be alone, they want to play.
They
expect you to cater to their every whim.
They're
moody.
They
leave hair everywhere.
They
drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion:
They're tiny little women in cheap fur coats.