The sign on the door of a lawyers chamber reads: Where there
is a will, there is a way; where there is a way, there is law; where there is
law, there is a rule; where there is a rule, there is a loophole; where there
is a loophole; there is a lawyer; and so here I am.
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at
the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old
blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex
appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every
word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, ‘Bob,
how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?’
Bob replies, ‘Girlfriend? She’s my wife!’
They are knocked over, but continue to ask.
‘So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?’
‘I lied about my age’, Bob replies. ‘What, did you tell her
you were only 50?’
Bob smiles and says, ‘No, I told her I was 90.’
Little Johnny was practising the violin in the living room, while his father was trying to read. The family dog was at there too, and, on hearing the screeching sounds, began to howl. Johnnys father listened to the dog and the violin for as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his newspaper on the floor and yelled, For God’s sake, can’t you play something the dog doesn’t know?
Little Johnny was practising the violin in the living
room, while his father was trying to read. The family dog was at there too,
and, on hearing the screeching sounds, began to howl. Johnnys father listened
to the dog and the violin for as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed
his newspaper on the floor and yelled, For God’s sake, can’t you play something
the dog doesn’t know?
A church pastor went to a hospital to visit a man
A church pastor went to a hospital to visit
a man from his congregation who was gravely ill. When he entered the room, he
found several family members were also there. The patient had a breathing tube
in his throat so was unable to speak. He beckoned the minister to his bedside
and motioned for a pencil and paper. He scribbled a note on the paper, handed
it to the preacher and immediately expired. In the confusion that followed, the
pastor, who was busy consoling the family, put the note in his suit pocket and
forgot about it. Some days later, he was officiating at the funeral and was
wearing the same suit. During the eulogy he happened to put his hand in his
pocket and brought out the forgotten note. Stopping in mid-sentence he held up
the note and said to the crowd, "Folks, I have here Charlie's last words
on earth." He told them of the scene in the hospital room and said,
"I had forgotten about this note until this very moment. Let's see what
Charlie's message was as he departed from this world." Opening the note he
read,"YOU"RE STANDING ON MY OXYGEN HOSE!"
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, ‘Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.’
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
‘Gee, Mom,’ he exclaimed. ‘For me?’
‘Just take two,’ Brenda replied.
‘The rest are for your father.’
Amusing quotes
An
archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more
interested he is in her. Agatha
Christie quotes
A
pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is one who hopes
they are.
Chauncey
Depew quotes
Friends
are like bras: close to your heart and there for support. Donna
Roberts quotes
A
male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car Carrie
Snow quotes
I
want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like
the passengers in his car. Will
Shriner quotes
My
wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met Rodney
Dangerfield quotes
New Jokes
What is black
and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.
Why did God
give men larger brains than dogs?
So they won't hump women's legs at
cocktail parties.
What do you get
when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of
carrying
the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he
arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole
family
there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way
with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a
box
of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of
terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful
woman
in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through
the
door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the
bedroom
where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant
breakfast:
eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed
orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As
she was
pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's
bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but
what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that
today would be your last day,
and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give
you. He
said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."
How come nobody
from Mexico is ever in the Olympics?
Because everybody that can Run, Jump, and Swim is already over here.
One day a little girl was sitting
and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed
that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on
her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
A man answers the phone and has the
following conversation:
“Yes, mother, I’ve had a hard day. Gladys has been most
difficult – I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard.
Well, you know how she is.
“Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that
she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and
you begged me not to marry her.
“You were perfectly right.
“You want to speak with her? All right.” He looks up from the
telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:
“Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!”
“Yes, mother, I’ve had a hard day. Gladys has been most
difficult – I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard.
Well, you know how she is.
“Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that
she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and
you begged me not to marry her.
“You were perfectly right.
“You want to speak with her? All right.” He looks up from the
telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:
“Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!”
8 new jokes
A man
walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and
one for my best buddy."
Bartender
says, "You want them *both* now or do you want me to wait until your buddy
arrives to pour his?"
The guy
says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket
here." and he pulls a little 3 inch man out of his pocket.
The
bartender asks "You mean to say, He can drink that much?" "Oh,
sure. He can drink it all, and then some." the man retorted.
So the
bartender pours the 2 shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's
amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"
The man
flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Rodney, Go
fetch that quarter." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks
up the quarter, and runs back down and gives it to the man.
The
bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing," he says, "what
else can he do? Does he talk?"
The man
looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks
"Talk? Sure *he* talks.
Hey,
Rodney, tell him about that time we were in down in Africa, on safari, hunting
and you called that native Witch doctor a "Dickhead!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2)
A Guy
walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender. Just as the bartender is about
to ask the customer for his order he hears a phone ring. The customer puts his
hand up to his ear and says, "Hello? No honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes,
love you, bye."
The
bartender says, "What the heck is that?"
The
customer replies "It's my hand phone…..give me your home number so you can
try it."
With
that, the bartender gives him his home number and the customer punches the
numbers in on his hand and puts his hand up to the bartender's ear. The
bartender's wife answers and he (who is very amazed) says, "I...honey...
just thought I'd call you and tell you I love you....ok...bye."
The
bartender says, "That's amazing! How do you get one?"
"I'll
tell you when I get back from the restroom."
30
minutes later there is no sign of the customer and the bartender is getting
concerned so he walks to the restroom to make sure the guy is ok. When he
enters he finds the guy with his pants around his ankles, bent over with his
palms on the wall and a long piece of toilet paper hanging out of his butt.
"What
the hell are you doing?" asks the incredulous bartender.
"Give
me a second," the man replies as he grunts and groans, "I'm getting a
fax."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
3)
A man goes
into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do
everything.
The
shop owner suggests a faithful dog.
The man
replies, "Come on, a dog?"
The
owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man
replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that
can do everything!"
The
shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A
centipede!"
The man
says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay...
I'll try a centipede."
He gets
the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."
Thirty
minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes
and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned;
the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.
He says
to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."
Twenty
minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the
furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered.
The man
thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This
really is a pet that can do everything!"
Next he
says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a
newspaper."
The
centipede walks out the door. 45 minutes later... still no centipede!
So he
goes to the front door, opens it ... and there's the centipede sitting right
outside.
The man
says, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me
a newspaper. What's the matter?!"
The
centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
4)
The Zen
master steps up to the hot dog stand and says: "Make me one with
everything."
The hot
dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20
bill. The hot dog vendor puts the bill in the cash drawer and closes the
drawer.
"Where's
my change?" asks the Zen master.
And the
hot dog vendor responds, "Change must come from within."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
5)
As
migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip
south, so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked their baggage, the
attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons.
"Do
you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.
"No,
thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
6)
There
once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane,
he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person
next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he
finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar,
he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed,
"Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is
big in Texas."
After a
couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was
located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind
man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally missed the second door. Instead,
he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the
pool by accident.
Scared
to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7)
Sherlock
Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip.
They
had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said,
"Watson, look up. What do you see?
"Well,
I see thousands of stars."
And
what does that mean to you?"
"Well,
I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you,
Holmes?"
"To
me, it means someone has stolen our tent."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
8)
What is
a cat?
Cats do
what they want.
They
rarely listen to you.
They're
totally unpredictable.
They
whine when they are not happy.
When
you want to play, they want to be alone.
When
you want to be alone, they want to play.
They
expect you to cater to their every whim.
They're
moody.
They
leave hair everywhere.
They
drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion:
They're tiny little women in cheap fur coats.
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