The sign on the door of a lawyers chamber reads:

The sign on the door of a lawyers chamber reads: Where there is a will, there is a way; where there is a way, there is law; where there is law, there is a rule; where there is a rule, there is a loophole; where there is a loophole; there is a lawyer; and so here I am.

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast.

At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, ‘Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?’

Bob replies, ‘Girlfriend? She’s my wife!’

They are knocked over, but continue to ask.

‘So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?’

‘I lied about my age’, Bob replies. ‘What, did you tell her you were only 50?’

Bob smiles and says, ‘No, I told her I was 90.’

Little Johnny was practising the violin in the living room, while his father was trying to read. The family dog was at there too, and, on hearing the screeching sounds, began to howl. Johnnys father listened to the dog and the violin for as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his newspaper on the floor and yelled, For God’s sake, can’t you play something the dog doesn’t know?

Little Johnny was practising the violin in the living room, while his father was trying to read. The family dog was at there too, and, on hearing the screeching sounds, began to howl. Johnnys father listened to the dog and the violin for as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his newspaper on the floor and yelled, For God’s sake, can’t you play something the dog doesn’t know?

A church pastor went to a hospital to visit a man

A church pastor went to a hospital to visit a man from his congregation who was gravely ill. When he entered the room, he found several family members were also there. The patient had a breathing tube in his throat so was unable to speak. He beckoned the minister to his bedside and motioned for a pencil and paper. He scribbled a note on the paper, handed it to the preacher and immediately expired. In the confusion that followed, the pastor, who was busy consoling the family, put the note in his suit pocket and forgot about it. Some days later, he was officiating at the funeral and was wearing the same suit. During the eulogy he happened to put his hand in his pocket and brought out the forgotten note. Stopping in mid-sentence he held up the note and said to the crowd, "Folks, I have here Charlie's last words on earth." He told them of the scene in the hospital room and said, "I had forgotten about this note until this very moment. Let's see what Charlie's message was as he departed from this world." Opening the note he read,"YOU"RE STANDING ON MY OXYGEN HOSE!"

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, ‘Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.’

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

‘Gee, Mom,’ he exclaimed. ‘For me?’

‘Just take two,’ Brenda replied.

‘The rest are for your father.’

Amusing quotes

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her. Agatha Christie quotes

A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is one who hopes they are.
Chauncey Depew quotes

Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support. Donna Roberts quotes

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car Carrie Snow quotes

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. Will Shriner quotes

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met Rodney Dangerfield quotes

New Jokes

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

  A Doberman.

Why did God give men larger brains than dogs?

 So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?

New Age music.

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying

the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he

arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family

there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way

with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box

of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of

terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman

in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the

door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom

where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast:

eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was

pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day,

and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He

said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

How come nobody from Mexico is ever in the Olympics?

Because everybody that can Run, Jump, and Swim is already over here.

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:
“Yes, mother, I’ve had a hard day. Gladys has been most
difficult – I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard.
Well, you know how she is.
“Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that
she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and
you begged me not to marry her.
“You were perfectly right.
“You want to speak with her? All right.” He looks up from the
telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:
“Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!”

8 new jokes

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy."

Bartender says, "You want them *both* now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?"

The guy says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here." and he pulls a little 3 inch man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks "You mean to say, He can drink that much?" "Oh, sure. He can drink it all, and then some." the man retorted.

So the bartender pours the 2 shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"

The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Rodney, Go fetch that quarter." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter, and runs back down and gives it to the man.

The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing," he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"

The man looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks "Talk? Sure *he* talks.

Hey, Rodney, tell him about that time we were in down in Africa, on safari, hunting and you called that native Witch doctor a "Dickhead!"



A Guy walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender. Just as the bartender is about to ask the customer for his order he hears a phone ring. The customer puts his hand up to his ear and says, "Hello? No honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes, love you, bye."

The bartender says, "What the heck is that?"

The customer replies "It's my hand phone…..give me your home number so you can try it."

With that, the bartender gives him his home number and the customer punches the numbers in on his hand and puts his hand up to the bartender's ear. The bartender's wife answers and he (who is very amazed) says, "I...honey... just thought I'd call you and tell you I love you....ok...bye."

The bartender says, "That's amazing! How do you get one?"

"I'll tell you when I get back from the restroom."

30 minutes later there is no sign of the customer and the bartender is getting concerned so he walks to the restroom to make sure the guy is ok. When he enters he finds the guy with his pants around his ankles, bent over with his palms on the wall and a long piece of toilet paper hanging out of his butt.

"What the hell are you doing?" asks the incredulous bartender.

"Give me a second," the man replies as he grunts and groans, "I'm getting a fax."



A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.

The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.

The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"

The owner says, "How about a cat?"

The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"

The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"

The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede."

He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."

Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.

He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."

Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered.

The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"

Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."

The centipede walks out the door. 45 minutes later... still no centipede!

So he goes to the front door, opens it ... and there's the centipede sitting right outside.

The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!"

The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes!"



The Zen master steps up to the hot dog stand and says: "Make me one with everything."

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill. The hot dog vendor puts the bill in the cash drawer and closes the drawer.

"Where's my change?" asks the Zen master.

And the hot dog vendor responds, "Change must come from within."



As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons.

"Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.

"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."



There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally missed the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"



Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip.

They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?

"Well, I see thousands of stars."

And what does that mean to you?"

"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"

"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."



What is a cat?

Cats do what they want.

They rarely listen to you.

They're totally unpredictable.

They whine when they are not happy.

When you want to play, they want to be alone.

When you want to be alone, they want to play.

They expect you to cater to their every whim.

They're moody.

They leave hair everywhere.

They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They're tiny little women in cheap fur coats.


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First I was afraid