The new army recruit
The new army recruit was serving his first guard duty. He did his best for a while but about 5 a.m. He went to sleep. When he opened his eyes he found the day officer standing before him. Remembering the stiff penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this clever young man kept his head bowed for another moment, then looked upward and reverently said, “A-a-a-men!”
There once was a "smart guy,"
There once was a "smart guy," a "not that smart guy," and an all round "not smart at all guy." They were going to cross the Sahara Desert. The "smart guy" says, "meet here in an hour with something useful to cross the desert with!" Later on an hour passes. The "smart guy" says I brought some ice packs to keep our heads cool, the "not so smart guy" says I brought a pail of water to keep us hydrated. The "not smart at all guy" says, "I brought a car door so I can roll the window down when it gets hot!"
A woman on the phone to her friend
A woman on the phone to her friend; I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising…. I decided to take and aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
A biology teacher wished
A biology teacher wished to demonstrate to his students the harmful effects of alcohol on living organisms. For his experiment, he showed them a beaker with pond water in which there was a thriving civilization of worms. When he added some alcohol into the beaker the worms doubled-up and died.
"Now," he said,” what do you learn from this?"
An eager student gave his answer.
"Well the answer is obvious," he said " if you drink alcohol, you'll never have worms."
"Now," he said,” what do you learn from this?"
An eager student gave his answer.
"Well the answer is obvious," he said " if you drink alcohol, you'll never have worms."
A man walking
A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite reach it.The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, "What now?"
The boy answered, "Now we run like crazy!"
The boy answered, "Now we run like crazy!"
Her husband had been slipping
Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. Well, now that I think about it, I think you bring me bad luck!
It was an elegant dinner party
It was an elegant dinner party and the hostess had left nothing to chance, except that a little water had splashed on the marble floor. And when the waiter came into the dining room carrying the beautiful roast suckling pig, he slipped and fell flat, sending the roast flying. “Don’t worry, Tomas,” said the hostess calmly. “Just take the roast back to the kitchen and bring out the other one.”
Jim happened
Jim happened to bump into is friend Greg at the tennis club. “So, Jim said, “How’s it working out with that shrink I recommended.” “Great,” Greg said. “I mean, when I started, I was the most arrogant, self-impressed egomaniac on God’s green earth.” Now, he shrugged, “you couldn’t ask to meet a more terrific guy than me.”
A man is walking down
A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie.
The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." Poof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand.
He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here." Poof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women." Poof!
There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.
The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." Poof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand.
He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here." Poof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women." Poof!
There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.
This guy goes into a doctor's office
This guy goes into a doctor's office. The doctor says, "Oh, Mr. Jones! We have the results of your test. Do you want the bad news first or the very bad news?" The guy shrugs and says, "Well I guess I'll have the bad news first." "Well the bad news is, you have 24 hours to live," the doctor replies. The man is distraught, "24 hours to live? That's horrible! What could be worse than that? What's the VERY bad news?" The doctor folds his hands and sighs, "The very bad news is...I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."
A rich millionaire throws a massive party
A rich millionaire throws a massive party for his 50th birthday. During this party, he grabs the microphone and announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it.
"I will give anything of mine to the man who swims across that pool."
So the party continues with no events in the pool until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.
In the pool a man is swimming as hard as he can and fins come out of the water and jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and gets out of the pool, tired and soaked. The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, "I am a man of my word. Anything of mine I will give: my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?" The guy grabs the microphone and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the jerk who pushed me in!"
"I will give anything of mine to the man who swims across that pool."
So the party continues with no events in the pool until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.
In the pool a man is swimming as hard as he can and fins come out of the water and jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and gets out of the pool, tired and soaked. The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, "I am a man of my word. Anything of mine I will give: my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?" The guy grabs the microphone and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the jerk who pushed me in!"
An Antartian boy and his father
An Antartian boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
It was two o'clock in the morning
It was two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep, when suddenly the phone rang.
The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? ... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" -- and promptly slammed the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"
The husband replies, I don’t know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.
The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? ... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" -- and promptly slammed the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"
The husband replies, I don’t know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.
A tour bus driver drives
A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.
After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times.
At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady Answers, "We just love the chocolate around them."
After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times.
At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady Answers, "We just love the chocolate around them."
Bob was confused and
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"
Once they were working
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.
Joe had asked Bob
Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Dotty came into the office
Dotty came into the office all aflutter about her husband, “You won’t believe this, Terry, but George takes a fishing- pole into the bathroom and tosses the hook into the tub.”
“You’ve got to be kidding,” gasped Terry. “Don’t you think you should take him to a psychiatrist?” “No time,” replied Dotty with a shrug. “I’m too busy cleaning fish.”
“You’ve got to be kidding,” gasped Terry. “Don’t you think you should take him to a psychiatrist?” “No time,” replied Dotty with a shrug. “I’m too busy cleaning fish.”
Run that by me one more time
"I've made a couple of mistakes I'd like to do over."
I've left a path of destruction behind me.
Cross my legs and hope to die!"
"He's the cream of the corn."
"There are too many cooks in the broth."
"The short answer is 'Yes.' The long answer is 'No.'"
"Looks like I've spent the day chasing a wild herring!"
"We are the glue that keeps things moving."
"You're barking up a dead tree."
"That's not his cup of cake."
"You don't want to shoot yourself in the foot because you might want to take a walk later."
"Shut your mouth and eat your dinner."
"I love being spontaneous. I just need a little warning."
"We ought to make the pie higher."
"Golf is a game that is 90% mental and 10% mental."
"Being in a hurry is a complete waste of time."
"That guy smokes like a fish!"
"You can't pull the sheep over my eyes!"
"I wasn't rich like you guys. I didn't eat gold or have a flying pony."
"After my C-section, the only thing I was allowed to drink was liquids."
"All old people should be shot at birth."
"He's as sharp as a new penny."
"I know that area of town like the back of my head."
"She's like the pot calling the kettle a frying pan."
"She used enough scotch tape to feed a third world country."
"That really burns my goat!"
"You shouldn't let people get under your goat."
"I'm sweating like a bullet."
"It's like six of one and two dozen of the other."
"I hate to throw cold water on your bubble."
"I just got my car fixed and it's runnin' like a dime."
"That really raises the shackles on my neck."
"I'm optimistic but my optimistics is on the other side of the teeter-totter."
"We gotta get our soup and nuts together."
"I'm trying to contain an outbreak, and you're driving the monkey to the airport!"
"I used to be as sharp as a button."
"That'll put the monkey in your court."
"It was time to separate the wheat from the baby."
"You're only smart on the outside."
"I guess you're just AOL."
"If we can't lead them with a stick, we are going to have to beat them with a carrot."
"Not everything that shines is baloney."
"You're opening a complete can of Pandora's worms there."
"Monday morning the fan is going to hit the roof."
"It sounds like sour milk, and I don't like the smell of it."
"I don't want to put all my monkeys in one barrel."
"We've got to dig our way out of this puppy."
"In the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed horse is king!"
"You're a minefield of information."
"Looks like he's thrown a wrench in the monkey works."
“You don't want to put all your legs under one blanket.”
"I can't do it in the spur of a hat."
"That really burns my craw!"
"A two-prawn approach is necessary."
"He won't last, he's just a flash in the pants."
"You gotta walk with your pants on."
"Can I pick your ear?"
"I don't want to shoot myself in the hip."
"A little pain never hurt anyone."
"Is everyone else in the world a moron, or is it just me?"
"I can't come in to work because I need to have an autopsy."
"I don't feel like the sharpest button on the beach today."
"You have to keep all your marbles in the same duck."
"We don't want to screw ourselves in the foot."
"I feel like I'm beating my head against a dead horse."
"The ball is in his camp now."
"We need to get our ducks in the fire."
"Whatever rubs your boat!"
"You know I’m just pulling your lamb."
"If you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!"
"They need to get all their ducks in one sock."
"We don't want to go barking up a dead horse."
"We're going to come out of this smelling like geniuses!"
"The ball is squarely on our shoulders."
"The best way to learn is from the school of Fort Knox."
"Make sure you cross your p's and q's."
"Throw that monkey back over the fence."
"She really rubs me up the wrong tree."
"Well, I'm just busier than a one-armed naked man."
"He had all of his ducks in one sock."
"I've just got my feet in too many pies right now."
"This thing is about to grow legs and take off...."
"Are you going to call the whole kettle black because of one bad potato?"
"If we do that we'll open up a whole new wormhole."
"Will everyone stop misundermining me!"
"I'd like to be a fish on the wall at that meeting."
"He was slow as Moses."
"I am sick and tired of the lack of disrespect towards me!"
"My arms were knee-deep in mud."
"'I see,' said the blind man to the fly.”
"We need to find a solution, even if it isn't the right one."
"Hey, don't eat the messenger!"
"It's only when this business comes into the foreplay that we should be concerned."
"We're going to have to watch that with a fine-tooth comb."
"..that's what really separates the wheat from the sheep."
"He's not the brightest brick in the basket."
"Don't worry; I've got an ace up my hole."
"He's not the brightest cookie in the lamp."
"You planted the seed, and I ran with it."
“I swear on my dog's breakfast!”
"If there was a rainbow at night, how would you know it was there?"
"Just because he's our landlord doesn't mean he owns the place."
"All old people should be shot at birth."
"I know that area of town like the back of my head."
"That's the carrot at the end of the tunnel."
"Vision is in the eyes of the beholder."
"Eventually, I want it now."
"In the last year, you've turned around 150%."
"It was a huge incontinence for me."
"I was already squeezing the buffalo."
"I think we're on the same page here, just different parts of the page."
"I think you might have hit the nail on the button."
"I'm caught between a rock and a wet spot."
"I was thinking about you in the shower this morning and I thought of a name for you."
"If you have that, the world is your walrus."
"It was jumping up and down like a sieve."
"I've got ears like a hawk."
"This guy's sharp as a cookie."
"I had too many hands in the fire."
"He's between a rock and a hotplate."
"It depends whether you are drinking from the side of the glass that is half-full or half-empty."
"I don't need a compass to tell me which way the wind shines!"
"It's like the blind talking to the blind!"
"She's not the brightest tree in the forest."
"I need a trash compactor because my garbage is too heavy to carry up the driveway."
"Cut the cake a different way and go for the lowest hanging fruit."
"Now, I do not want to toot my own wagon."
"He's not the brightest cookie in the lamp."
"We'd be biting off a new can of worms."
"Well, it's no skin off MY teeth!"
"That's just cutting your throat to spite your face."
"Remember! There is no 'I' in 'Team Spirit'!"
"If you can't finish the job on time, that'll really put a wrinkle in your feather."
"'Usually' only counts in horseshoes."
"I wouldn't trust them with a nine foot pole."
"Everything has been peaches and gravy."
"You're getting too clever for your own boots!"
"Then I figured that something was rotten in Denver."
"I'll be straight as a doorknob with you."
"Open your mouth and shut your ears when I'm talking to you."
"He couldn't find his way out of a paper bag if it bit him."
"They dropped the apple cart, now it's up to us to get it back on the tracks."
"We'll be done by the schedule date, maybe later."
"We are going to have to put all our oars in the fire for this project."
"That really throws a monkey at the wrench..."
"She's totally green under the collar."
"You don't want me down here breathing down your throats."
"I didn't think it would be a good idea to rattle the barrel."
"That floor is so clean you could comb your hair off of it."
"He is always robbing Peter Paul to pay Mary."
"It's good to get a taste of someone else's moccasins!"
"This is for your FYI."
"We definitely don't want to nail ourselves into a corner."
"I'm not the brightest bean in the hole."
"I want quality, not quantity; but lots of it."
"Don't look for a gift in the horse's mouth."
"I'm doing this just to break up the mahogany."
"We need to iron out our bread and butter."
"I think we should go for the whole ball of wood."
"Each of you pitched a home run today!"
"I usually dealt with him using felt-tipped gloves."
"It's an exercise in fertility."
"Hindsight is 50-50."
"You are never going to fail unless you try."
"We're scraping the bottom of the iceberg."
"Today is like the day Rome was built in. We can't afford to have any fiddlers."
"He might be barking at a red herring."
"He was smoking like a fish."
"He's as deaf as a bat."
"We don't want to stick our necks out and get our asses chopped off."
"I didn't have two dimes to pee on."
"I gave him a real mouthful."
"I really took the bull by the hands."
"He doesn't know his hole from an ass in the ground."
"I can't remember but it's right on the tip of my head!"
"You can lead a pig to pearls..."
"Thanksgiving is early this year because the first Thursday fell on a Monday."
"The skeleton is there. You just have to sharpen it and put the decorations on the tree."
"He would give you the shoes off his back."
"That question was so easy I could have answered it blindfolded."
"We're going to clean the competition's lunch."
"We've baked our cake, now we have to eat it."
"I want 24 x 7 availability, 5 days a week."
"The phone was ringing off its hinges."
"I didn't want to stir the apple cart."
"It was so quiet you could hear a needle drop in a haystack."
"I don't put my chickens before the horse."
"It was time to get the train out of the harbor."
"I didn't have many bullets left in the tank."
"I was shooting at straws."
"I was running on exhaustion fumes."
"I was looking for a seed that would get it over the hump."
"I didn't want to sit in the hotbox with my fingers in my ears."
"It's water under the dam now."
"I put the ball in the other shoe."
"That took the steam out of my sails."
"No point in making a molehill out of an elephant!"
"You can try, but it's like waiting for toast to boil."
"Can you tell me when my past due amount is due?"
"Eventually the penny will come home to roost."
"You are the wind beneath my cheeks."
A guy goes up to this girl in a bar
A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?"
The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't
dance with you."
The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look
fat in those pants."
The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't
dance with you."
The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look
fat in those pants."
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the
Pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy
some Cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail!
All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a
prescription."
Pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy
some Cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail!
All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a
prescription."
tough looking biker was riding
A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so he stopped.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity; he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, she did.
After she finished, the biker said, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous! Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl!"
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity; he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, she did.
After she finished, the biker said, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous! Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl!"
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
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